How to Successfully Manage a Former Peer

One of the hardest challenges I faced when I was promoted to a management role was navigating the complexities of managing a former peer who became my direct report.  Although she was supportive, it was uncomfortable and changed the dynamic in our relationship. We both knew that ultimately, I was now her manager, and that I would be conducting her performance evaluations.

I struggled at first to manage the changes in our relationship. I find this is true for most leaders who advance to a new role and are not only learning how to manage, but also are managing former peers and even friends. —mMany managers avoid the elephant in the room and because they are uncomfortable, act like nothing has changed. Yet there is a great opportunity when this change occurs to redesign the relationship in a positive way.

Managing a former peer can be challenging and uncomfortable.

One of the best things you can do is to meet and discuss how your relationship will work going forward.  

Begin the conversation by saying you value your relationship as coworkers and look forward to being able to continue working together. Use this conversation as an opportunity to form a partnership with your colleague. If you have had a positive relationship in the past, reinforce how you have always valued their perspective, and hope that you can count on them to come to you when they have ideas or suggestions in the department.  

Focus on asking questions to understand the person’s your former peer’s goals and challenges in their everyday work and for their career.  

This conversation might go something like this For example, you might say: “I really value our working relationship, and I look forward to continuing to support each other. I hope you will feel comfortable sharing with me any challenges you see in the department and offering suggestions of how we can improve things. You bring a lot of experience that will be helpful in making our department effective. I’d like to meet bi-weekly to check in on projects and support you with any challenges. I’d appreciate it if you could bring a list of what you are working on, as well as any current challenges so we can work through it together.” Then continue the conversation with coaching questions.

‍Questions you may consider:

• What do you like most about your job?

• What are the biggest challenges you are facing each day?

• What most energizes you in your position?

• What are your career goals?

• What suggestions do you have for improving the department?

• How can I support you?

• Is there anything else you feel is important for me to know?

Reinforce that you would like to have a relationship with open communication and that you welcome the person to come to you at any time.

Discuss how often you would like to meet, and what to expect in those meetings.

Designing the relationship in this way will underscore your approachability and support for your former peer.

If you inherited an employee who is struggling or a poor performer, use the coach-approach to work through the issues.  

Start by asking the questions above, and then use the regular meeting time you establish as a time for checking in on progress, setting expectations, and coaching them to improvement.  

Setting expectations doesn’t have to feel like you are being a dictator. Employees want clarity, and you are simply providing clarity for the person on what it takes to succeed.

A 2023 study from McKinsey found that teams with clear role definitions were 25% more effective in achieving their goals. Setting clear expectations early on reduces the chance of misunderstandings, especially when managing former coworkers.

One of my favorite coaching phrases is “I’ve noticed”. This is a very neutral phrase that doesn’t evoke judgement or defensiveness. For example, “I’ve noticed you have been late to work four times in the past month. What’s going on?”  

Approaching issues in this way opens the space for the employee to share their perspective and makes the conversation interactive. It takes the pressure off of you to “deliver” a difficult message and instead fosters an open dialogue.

As a supervisor or manager, your goal is to facilitate, not fix.

Many managers think their job is to fix problems and issue directives to their employees. That is an outdated model and mindset.  

The best approach is to facilitate the discussion and shift the ownership to the employee.

In the previous example, when you say, “I’ve noticed you have been late to work four times in the past month. What’s going on?” You are opening up the conversation and inviting the employee to share.  

Allow the employee to respond. Perhaps the employee says they’re having a hard time getting up in the morning. You can empathize, and then shift the ownership by asking a question. For example, “It sounds like you are having some challenges sleeping. It must be tough to get up when you haven’t slept well. What do you need to do to make sure you are here by 8:30 each morning?”  

The question shifts the responsibility to the employee and has them come up with a solution.

It’s fine to share suggestions if an employee struggles to come up with solutions, but focus on using a facilitative, coaching approach as much as possible.

This method not only fosters better relationships but also empowers employees to solve their own problems, increasing accountability.

There is solid evidence to support the benefits of coaching-focused leadership. Coaching leadership creates a more supportive, collaborative environment that fosters open communication, continuous feedback, and personal growth—key factors that improve engagement and performance.  

Gallup's 2023 report on global employee engagement highlights that effective leadership, especially managers who prioritize development and regular feedback, significantly impacts engagement. Engaged employees, those who feel supported and have clear goals, report lower stress levels and a higher commitment to their work, which is why using a coach approach with the peer employee will be most effective.(“Leaders Who Coach” by People Development Magazine)

Finally, as a manager, using your emotional intelligence in redesigning the relationship with former peers can lead to more productive and harmonious outcomes.

Be sensitive to the uncomfortable nature of the change in roles and be empathetic to how they are feeling.

It’s not always easy managing a former peer, and your approach can make a big difference in how you interact going forward.  

You can be supportive and approachable, yet still be clear and instill a sense of accountability.

Take the opportunity to redesign the relationship as soon as possible after the change so you can reduce the likelihood of awkwardness and discomfort long-term.

See Upcoming Events for workshops on Emotional Intelligence and using the DiSC Management Profile, both of which are excellent for leaders to become more effective at coaching employees and managing peers.  

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_{Original Post 7/9/2021} ‍